Anna - Not that far from Bethlehem

Anna - Santa Claus tap dance

Anna - Christmas Cash

Thankful?

Thanksgiving is only 5 days away.  I've usually made my menu list, my shopping list, and I should be done purchasing all the necessary items for a spectacular holiday meal.  But I haven't done more than think about how big (or small) of a turkey I need for this year.  Seems like with time my holiday is getting smaller... rather than larger.

Lately, more than ever you have filled my thoughts and weighed down my heart.  I cant help but think that we should be talking on the phone... finalizing what you will bring.  I still want you to walk through my door early on Thanksgiving Day ready to mash the potatoes and help me put the food on the table.  This will be the 4th holiday season since you left.  I miss you SO much Mom. 

Ian talks about you.  He remembers your hugs and how you always had a cookie for him when we came to visit.  Anna has a solo this year at the Festival of Trees.  I know you'd be there, front row, clapping the loudest.

I think a lot about you and the life you had.  I realize now how hard it must've been... a single mother ... alone with her two children.  I have so many questions...that only you can answer.  I sure could use a word or two of wisdom from you... something for a little strength. 

I hope you have the peace you deserve.  I feel you with me and I know you have kept me out of more than one mess.   I love you and always will... Happy Thanksgiving Mom.

Choices

Life is a series of choices.  Each day we make several... what clothes to wear, what food to prepare for each meal, what road to take to work... some days present more choices than others... do we choose to accept the invitation for a drink after work? do we choose the invitation for a date or do we choose a night alone at home?

There are even bigger choices to be made; do we accept the proposal of marriage?  do we marry for comfort or for passion?  do we marry for companionship or for love? do we choose to stay in a marriage with years of history or do we choose to leave? 

Sometimes a choice does not result in the outcome we plan or desire.  So how do you know which choice is the right one? 

The most import lesson learned is to make your choice based on what is best for you.  At the end of the day, as you stand alone... is the choice you made the best for you and only you in that moment.  One should never make a choice based on the hope of action from another.  We can hope for a choice to lead us to companionship, passion, love... but if it does not we need to know before we make our choice that we are ok with that.

Make your choices wisely.  Know what is most important to you, know what is most dear in your heart and follow that. 

Halloween 2011

Lots of Halloween fun...

We began the season with Breakfast with the Witches....

Who were bewitching....




























We spent a Saturday, early in the month, with Shannon and friends....















We carved pumpkins...













And decorated cookies....

 We spent another Saturday with Jeff, Tee, and Casey....













With homemade witches brew... yummy!
and Pizza...cookies...And.... yup -- more pumpkins :)













Little Miss independent ... did it all by herself!

Can you find my pumpkin?
Then off to Thanksgiving point.... for rain gutter duckie races...


























A little corn maze wandering....

Horse riding....


























 and some leaf throwing....


























Finally....Halloween night...











































a visit to the 'Scary House'

then TriCk-oR-tReAtinG time!!

 It's two weeks later.... and the candy bowl is almost empty.... thank goodness!
Until next year you are safe from my little witch and dead zombie!

Pull me in close....

penny

A penny. 

What can a penny do?

The smallest denomination in the monetary system, often overlooked, forgotten. And yet can be worth so much.

A penny for your thoughts.  All the grand ideas, feelings, hopes that you hold dear to your heart... given up for a simple penny.

Find a penny, pick it up, all the day you'll have good luck.  A simple lost penny from one can bring luck to another.

Or, a lost penny, swallowed by a young child, can lead to sleepless nights and unmentionable searches. 

UGgggg!!

wrong place/wrong time

it was a pivotal moment.  you know the kind.  where time stands still.  i held my breath and waited for what was next.  my mind raced with pictures of what mattered most flashing at light speed.  my heart beat fast.  sounds faded and lights blurred.  what do you say?  how do you act?  how did i get here?  and how do i get out?

i am not who i once was and i am not yet who i want to be... but i know, more that ever, who that is and will work harder than ever to get from here to there... i dont want to find myself in that same place again.

Today

Today is THAT day!

1460 = 4

1460 days = 4 years 

and yet it seems like only yesterday. 

I found myself at the hospital yesterday... and the smell of the hand soap still sends me into a tailspin. I can not believe how the unique scent still catches me off guard and sends me back to those crazy months you were there.... 

I brought you pink flowers today... I hope they brightened your day. I miss you like crazy... whoever said time heals all wounds was obviously a liar. It's been 4 years and I'm still searching for a way to let you go... 

I think of you often, every day, several times a day. There are still times I reach for the phone to call you... and remember I can not. There are times when I wish for you to be here so hard I forget to breathe. 

I hope you have found peace, I hope that whisper in the wind is you watching over us, I hope you know how much I will always love you!

Risk

To Laugh is to risk appearing the fool.

To Weep is to risk appearing sentimental.

To Reach out for another is to risk involvement.

To Expose feeling is to risk exposing our true self.

To Place your ideas, your dreams before the crowd is to risk their loss.

To Love is to risk not being loved in return.

To Live is to risk crying.

To Hope is to risk despair.

To Try is to risk failure.

But risks must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life it to risk nothing.

He may avoid suffering and sorrow.

But he simply cannot learn, fell, change, grow, love, live.

Chained by his certitudes, He is a slave, He has forfeited his freedom.

Only a person who risks ... is free.

-Author Unknown

Right Place/Right Time

Ever find yourself in the right place at the right time only you didn't know it was the right place until that right time?

There are some moments in life where we see the path we are on and for a moment we can glimpse where it is going... and in that moment we know if we are heading in the right direction or if we need to adjust our heading.

Recently I sat in a room full people all but one were strangers to me... and they allowed me to listen to their stories. They shared there feelings, their trials, their mistakes... and the most courageous couple shared their resentments, love, apologies and commitments to one another. It was all said out loud... no whispering, and only a hint of hesitation. Every word carefully chosen, every feeling exposed. I was in awe of their strength, their will, and their love. There are things I wish I could say... deep emotions, lost feelings ... harsh words of resentment for unspeakable hurts, tender words of admiration and love lost in my soul. There are unspoken apologies that echo in my mind and commitments yet to be made.

Somehow I became connected with these strangers ... I can't tell you their names, but I see each of their faces clearly. Somehow the events in my life that brought me to this moment intertwined with events from theirs. And as I gave thought to my own disappointments and the obstacles I see before me as I face each day I was given a gift. Not the kind of gift wrapped in pretty paper but a more priceless possession. I was given the gift of company. It was not a gift I discovered in that perfect moment... it was something I found much later as I reflected on what I was fortunate to share that night. I can not put into words my admiration for each person there that night. I am thankful for this moment ... one which I thought I'd only be an observer and I found myself to be a participant ... I am grateful to know we all must work to create our dreams ... to find our path. We all must be able to say I'm sorry and I am wrong and we need to adjust the course we are on so we can find our way to the selves we want to be.

It's reassuring to know I found myself in the right place at the right time.

Rock and Roll Half Marathon - Chicago!

The WINDY city. I'm finally going to find out why they call it that.... come along with me. Here is the course I'll be trotting along on Sunday.... come cheer me on! :)

>

wishing

Weber River

We SURVIVED! Ok... so i did not know the Weber River was so peaceful.

I thought white water rapids would have us all looking forward to dry land ... but this was perfect. Ian had a blast rowing and rowing and rowing. It was a perfect, relaxing float down the canyon.

When can we go again?

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday!

My sweet, precious baby girl turns 5 today. Seems like yesterday I laid her in your arms. I still see your smile and the twinkle in your eye. You were so proud to share your birthday with her.

I think her arrival on that day was God's way of preparing me to face August 4 without you. I think of you everyday. There is a book, called "for one more day" ... what would I give for just one more day? I have so many regrets, so much was left unsaid. Just one more day to tell you I appreciate your sacrifices for me ... to tell you I love you.

Happy Birthday Mom ... you've earned your place among the angels ... my wish for you today and everyday is peace and happiness...

I know you watch from your place in Heaven ... you see your precious grandchildren growing ... in that I will find solace.

when I feel weak and not pretty

how many days should I smile with a frown?

Shine

"I've been through the pain
and the suffering before
everytime I open up this door
it's always the same
been here before
always the same
another story and another game

I keep waiting for the right one
waiting for the sun
I keep waiting for the right one
and waiting for the sun
to come and
shine
on me

just when I think
I can walk through this door
it closes in my face
and knocks me to the floor
it's always the same
been here before
always the same
another story and another game

I keep waiting for the right one
waiting for the sun
I keep waiting for the right one
and waiting for the sun
to come and
shine
on me"

~written by a wise man

I'm stumblin'

I've asked God and magazines, stacks of book and movie screens,
Anything to bring a little more comfort my way...

But sometimes, there's those times...

I keep telling myself I'm moving on but I'm stumbling.
Believing my heart was strong enough but now I'm wondering.

I miss the sound of your voice ...

who are you?

"our actions, our choices, what you do today
will define who you are"

Benign: [bih-nahyn] -adjective
1. having a kindly disposition; gracious
2. showing expressive of gentleness or kindness
3. favorable; propitious

the official dictionary definition. but what does the word truly mean. is it a gracious pass? a favorable outcome? once the word is spoken is it business as usual? life goes on? or is there a deeper meaning? an unspoken expectation? those who do not hear the word spoken out loud face great challenges, unforeseen obstacles. so those that do, should they be held accountable to revel in the miracle of life?

Perhaps for them benign means
1. do not take for granted
2. do not settle
3. make every choice count

i thought when mom left me i knew the value of speaking out, sharing your thoughts, your feelings. i thought i had learned the lesson of the fragility of life. i was wrong. losing someone close to you breaks your heart in ways words can not describe. but when you hear the word cancer as it may pertain to your own health, that is an entirely different ballgame. looking into the eyes of your children and wondering if you can be, will be a 'survivor' takes courage you never knew you had.

many people hear the word often, hundreds of thousands of tests are done almost daily to determine who will be the next warrior in the fight against cancer. i am among the lucky. i have been given a pass. a kindly disposition, a small reminder that life is fleeting. a chance to reconnect to what is most important and to stay true to what is precious.

so i commit to
1. love with all my heart
2. to never settle or take the easy way for fear of failure
3. to cherish each person and every gift in my life

life is a journey, a wonderful adventure... it's time for me to get back to living each and every minute to the fullest.

"it is the forks in the road that determine who you become.

Choose wisely...
the easiest, safest choice is not necessarily the best choice"

Cancer Sucks!

they say cancer touches each and everyone of us in some way. we all have a family member, a friend, maybe even a friend of a friend.... but we can all say we know (or have known) someone with cancer.

Cancer Sucks!

i managed to avoid this ugly disease for 35 years of my life. i knew of it, but it always stayed away from my immediate circle of life... it happened to other people... other families... faceless others fought the battle out of my line of sight... until 4 years ago.

Cancer Sucks!

when mom first said the doctor was concerned the spot on the x-ray was cancer i was in denial. cancer was just a word, a disease other people faced.... in less than 2 months i got a crash course on just how ugly cancer could be. mom was gone.

Cancer really sucks!

since losing my mom to cancer, i have an aunt who is battling this ravishing disease, i lost an uncle to cancer, my BFF's father had cancer removed from his lung, i lost a co-worker to stomach cancer, another co-work is fighting for her life today, another was just told her mother is in remission... and the list goes on and on...

Did I mention cancer sucks?

they (who is they exactly?) say optimism...a positive attitude... the sheer utter desire to live is the key to the fight... tomorrow i will have a small tumor removed from my breast. there is a greater % that it is benign than it will be malignant ... i have to believe in the odds... i have to believe that i will escape the scary grip of such an ugly disease. Cancer has taken enough from my life... i know this is just a scare to keep me appreciative of all the gifts in my life, to remember how precious each moment is, how important every person in my life .... never forget to live and love to the fullest each and every day!

Ok?

I missed you today. I miss you everyday.

So much is going on right now and I'd give anything to have you to talk to. I dream of reaching out and feeling your hand take mine. I can almost feel your arms around me as you whisper in my ear "everything will be ok"

I know it will be. I believe in the power of positive thinking. But there are times it just sounds better hearing someone else say the words.

Although I can not pick up the phone to hear your reassuring words I know you are there, I know you will always care, and I know "everything will be ok"

Let it Rain

Mmmmm.... I love the smell of rain. There is something so refreshing, clean, new about the smell. It is the smell of promise ... of good things to come.

The low rumble from a far off distance like the sound of falling rubble and lighting streaks across the sky ... like paths on a map. Pitter patter sounds of rain drops as they dance upon landing on the roof... and my thoughts drift into the clouds ... dreams full of possibilities.

After a rain storm the world is clean and new. Grass is greener, skies are clearer... and nothing seems impossible.

Time to dream? to hope? to want?

I love the rain. I love the smell, the sound, and the feel of drops on my skin.

Let it rain!

In My Daughter's Eyes

damn doors

"When one door closes another one opens...."

a common saying

sometimes a new door opens without the old one closing. it is easy to walk thru the door when you are forced to as the closing door hits you on the ass and shoves you thru ... but what do you do when you have the choice? as you stand in the door way and try to see beyond the threshold how do you know whether you should stay or go?

one monumental choice can have such a rippling effect as you are propelled into a new life, new people, different places. how can you be sure you are on the right path? how do you know the new door has more to offer than the old? and once you make the leap ... can you ever go back? should you want to go back?

the next question is what do you do when an old door reopens? what if you've been out of the old door way for so long you forgot all it holds on the other side? as you gaze at the light coming from within ... you strain to see familiar sights... you smell familiar smells... you feel familiar feelings ... but can you remember all the reasons you let the door close? and if you do would the same things drive you away or have you changed/grown enough that all the crazy things would be insignificant now? and what new unforeseen obstacles await?

why do we, as adults, have to analyze every possible outcome of a decision? why do we have to play each scenario in our minds to try to outwit destiny? why can a young adult follow their heart? why is it we can only take a leap of faith when we are young?

you'd think experience would leave us to value the simple pleasures of a warm touch, a passionate kiss, a knowing glance instead of fearing a cold shoulder, a broken heart, or a look of disappointment.

oh how i wish my crystal ball wasn't broken...

Here I am

I am BACK! I was without computer and have really missed you my friend. You have no idea how (i tried to spell therapeutic and failed so... ) much it helps me to talk/type with you. So much has happened since I last typed ... and i need to work to catch you up chronologically ...

but tonight.... I had to take a minute to say I am BACK!

and to share a quick thought or two.

I spent the evening with a friend of a friend. It made me realize how things happen just as they should. To say I've had an eventful week is an understatement. So many things have taken aim at me on an emotional level ... and tonight I was able to share some thoughts and some personal opinions with a friend of a friend. And in the end ... I am a little better for it.

It's funny how things work out as they should be.

:)

Most

"I Love you"

"I love you more"

"I love you most!"

Have you seen a family tradition or heard a family phrase and thought to yourself how cute and endearing ... wish I had one?

Me too!!

You see it at a friends house, in a movie, on a commercial... and I can say I finally have one all my own. It's not a quote from someone else ... it's 100% original ... all mine.

Whenever I say, "I love you" to my beautiful baby girl she responds with "I love you more" and lets me finish with "I love you most"

It melts my heart in ways words can not describe. Now I look for any and every opportunity to say...

"I love you"

"I love you more"

"I love you most!"

Another Half -- Done!

I confess I'm still pretty out of shape ... can i still blame surgery in January? I think I can!

I completed the Salt Lake City Half Marathon on April 16th. One of my slower times, like Moab last month, took me 3 hours again. Well really 2 hours 50 minutes(IPOD time) if you take off time I stood in line for potty time :)

So ... I have 2 months to get ready for Ragnar ... I know I can do it. In just the month from Moab to SL half I felt stronger ... had more stamina.

So stay tuned ... it's gonna be a great ride!

the human race

each day we rise to a new day of commitments and obligations. we chase deadlines and travel crazy paths full of twists and turns we did not see coming ... do you think it is coincidence we are of the human 'race'. to see who can get there fastest, with the better means of transportation, with the greatest number of 'things'. when truly, the real winners, are the ones who take time out of the human 'race' to smell the roses ... to play a game with a child ... to hold a love one in silence. tomorrow is but only a thought ... so take a moment now ... take a break from your 'race' to share your thoughts, your feelings, your love....

I'll say, "Hey"

Stronger

Riding in the car to work and I'm trying to ignore the hurt So I turned on the radio, stupid song made me think of you I listened to it for a minute, but then I changed it I'm getting a little bit stronger....

just when ya think....

just when ya think you have it all figured out .... Almost 40 years on this earth and I'm still trying to get it right. I question my job, my family, and now a few of my friends ... This sounds more harsh than it is ... I have a good job, although so very challenging. My family loves me but those I use to be able to call for help no longer answer and those I never thought cared are knocking on my door ... crazy. A friend I thought was close, turned out not to be ... and another 'friend' may be more. I know the unknown keeps life exciting ... and most of the time I'm ok with that ... but sometimes, late at night, when I'm left all alone with only my thoughts... i wish i knew the end before i had to find my way thru the beginning....

Moab finish line ...

Can you see all the thoughts running through my mind....

I have a lot to do to get ready for April 16

my 13 mile journey

Once again I found myself in Moab for the Canyonlands 1/2 Marathon event yesterday. My usually posse was in tow ... Heather, Hal, & Eric ... and few extra friends joined in the challenge ... Robyn, Pete, Brad, and John.

The day began as it always does ... an early morning rise, a bagel and banana and a bus ride up the canyon. We chatted in anticipation about what we thought our performance would be like. We laughed, we shivered, we waited. So what was different this time you may ask?

Two months ago I had major surgery. In many ways I have healed well ... but I find my stamina is not back to 100%. My endurance comprised. The few attempts I have made to run have left me sore and I have not pushed myself as I probably should knowing 13.1 miles were in my future.

I shared my thoughts of changing my run from the 1/2 marathon to the 5 mile race. If only I'd learn to listened to my head and not followed my heart. The thought of boarding a different bus, headed to a different location without my friends was more disheartening than the knowledge I had of how sore my body would be if I did the 1/2. I chose to stay in the 1/2.

09:55 AM, the boys left us to take their place near the front of the crowd ... us girls waited. 10:00 AM the race started ... as we began our descent ... the first few steps into the run I knew I was in trouble. I knew my choice was not the best one for me. I tried to pace with Heather ... I can almost always keep up with her for at least 2-3 miles ... I don't think I even made it with her for 1/4 of a mile.

It's a humbling feeling to know the distance that lies before you, to know you have friends nearby for support, but yet they are to far to help you take the next step. The realization that you find yourself faced with a journey that only you can make.

I began to shed the layers of clothes that while I sat stationary I needed for warmth and comfort ... and now they weighted me down. My legs already felt tired and heavy, my lungs burned as they filled so completely with deep breaths ... something they had not had to do for some time. And the wind blew. It was not a gently breeze to tease your senses it was mother nature in full force. It slowed you down, it blew dust in your face, it stole from me my ambition. And I'm not even to mile 1 yet.

I always find it amazing, the thoughts you think in that canyon. There is something peaceful there even in the face of adversity. Finally, Neil Armstrong (the voice in my IPOD) announces I've reached mile 1. Then mile 2 and finally 3. The crowd was already considerably thin ... survival of the fittest and the fittest had already made good time to leave us in the dust. Literally. I was left with the weak, the novice, and the old ... all of us fighting our own battles ... all of us wondering if we could elude the sweep. (for those who do not run ... if you are too slow, if you take too long the buses come down and pluck you from the course. There is not finish line for you, no glory ... you are done).

Somewhere in my mind I come to the decision that I am too weak, too out of shape, too defeated to do this run. I tell myself that I will push to mile 5 ... but then I'm finished. I will look for the first sweep vehicle after mile 5 and quit my first race ever. In this moment, although disappointed, I'm OK with the choice. If I don't finish, its OK I tell myself. I tried.

Mile 4 is a blur, I'm walking more that running. I can barley keep a running pace for 1 full song on my IPOD. I finally make it to Mile 5 ... but where is the sweep vehicle. I haven't seen one ... and feel it would be awkward to just stand and wait ... so I keep moving.

Did I mention the wind? I hate the wind. It is my nemesis ... It visits my home often, it rips shingles from my roof, it howls, as if in great pain, thru the gap in my front door. The wind taunts me ... I hate the wind. And now here I am struggling physically and the wind blows. It blows hard as I attempt a running pace ... so I allow myself to walk. As if the defeat isn't enough the wind blows harder picking up dirt and debris to hurl at me.

Mile 6 - an accomplishment by any measurement ... but still not even half way. I see a mini van coming ... do I flag them down? I'm not injured ... not really.... I ache and I'm tired ... how do I tell a stranger that I want to quit?

An old man passes me ... his gray hair whips in the wind, his stride is crooked and back slightly bent ... and yet he smiles as he wills his body to perform. I remember my favorite mantra ... "someday I will not be able to do this, today is not that day!" ... and I let the mini van pass.

The canyon, as always is breath taking. I look up the walls of jagged rock, minimal vegetation, and see only the beauty of the red color as it meets the green Colorado river. My mind drifts from the pain and fatigue and I think of life. I think of my current path and how disappointed I am with the direction it has been going in. And I start to cry ... slow, quiet tears creep down my cheek and I let them fall. And I realize my life IS this run. I am so tired and feel alone and I could easily choose to sit down, close my eyes, and wait for the end. But if I do that ... what will I miss? What beautiful scenery awaits me if I continue the journey? What experience would I miss? What lesson would I not learn? But instead of defeat I could choose to take another step, and another and another. I may not be as fast as some, as graceful as others ... but if continue the journey I will find myself at the same destination, in the same celebration of victory and accomplishment. And I'm not alone ... my friends- no my family are waiting for me. If I called out to them for help they'd come ... they are with me letting my find my strength and ready to catch me if I fall.

Mile 8 - what happened to 7? I missed it? How, when? I'm now running from this sign to that one. Telling myself I've walked enough and it's time to run ... and then telling myself it's ok to walk when the running hurts too much.

Mile 9 - the hill from h***. I watch a girl trot the massive incline ... I want to but my body buckles from fatigue. But it's ok. She is in a different place on her journey. I am OK with that. I am OK with me and my accomplishment.

Mile 10 - I'm almost out of the canyon ... I will finish what I started.

The tears now are tears of relief as I realize that I really am ok. I may hurt a little, but I will heal. It may look like I'm alone, but I'm not. I feel weak, but my inner strength will prevail. More runners pass me ... Mile 11, mile 12 ... I am ready to be done.

Finally, mile 13 ... I see the finish. I want to hurry now, but I cant, physically. The only thing that matter is I will make it to the finish line. My friends are here, with words of encouragement, with hugs of pride. I did it!

I'm not ready for the next 'race' but know what I have to do to be ready. I know life my be daunting, and the wind may be blowing ... but I see sunshine on the horizon. I choose to continue pushing on. Taking another step forward, no matter how slow I know I'll make it to my destination.

Jerrod Niemann - What Do You Want

food for thought

This was posted on FaceBook ... made me giggle....

"I figured out why I'm fat! The shampoo I use in the shower
that runs down my body says 'for extra volume and body'.
I'm going to start using 'Dawn' dish soap. It says, 'dissolves
fat that is otherwise difficult to remove'."

Why is it so easy to put on weight and so HARD to take it off? For me I can not blame my shampoo ... I blame my emotions. It took me thirty something years to realize that and each day I am at war with my mind, my body, my weight.

From the minute I pick up the bag of cookies, the chocolate candy bar, or whatever else is calorie packed I know I should be making a more healthy choice. I know the consequence. And yet I do not stop myself. When I am sad. When I am lonely. When I am stressed. I eat. The most ironic part is it never makes me feel better.

Why am I telling you this? To make myself accountable. I have to lose 15 pounds. I have to find other ways to deal with my emotions ... I have to have help. So if I know you are reading this... and waiting for an update on my progress ... then I'll have to do better.... right?

Settle or Compromise

A quiet drive to Moab ... a long stretch of road, somewhere on US-191, during a conversation with a dear friend I was told, "Jodi, Never Settle!"

Isn't is strange how some things just stay with you? Never Settle! Hhhmmmm. He was right ... in love, in life, work, or play ... one should Never Settle! I agree whole heartily.

But I wonder, when is it considered settling and when is it considered a compromise? As I navigate my way through an uncharted journey to find that special someone "Never Settle" echos in my mind. I have met some really great men with countless, wonderful qualities. Some made me laugh, some had endless compassion, they have been funny, witty, confident, shy, driven, content. Each had something I am searching for ... but maybe not all of what I think I need. If a man is compassionate but shy, or confident but serious and if I choose to work to make him mine is that a compromise or am I 'settling'?

I am still a work in progress myself. Hell, life is a constant evolution of change we all live thru. Every experience, every encounter, every relationship molds us into a different shape so I wonder if I love him... really love him then is it not a 'settle', maybe even not a 'compromise' ... but more a union. A chance to create a solid foundation for both to grow upon, to intertwine with to give us strength, to helps us grow, to let us love ... real love ... unconditional, burning through your soul kind of love?

I find it perplexing that we all say we are searching for LOVE, single adults my age say they want love, yet they (we) work so hard to find the flaws in the relationship. If we are wiser with age then why do we find it so hard to obtain the one thing we say we want most?

Settle? or Compromise? Perhaps it's time for all to move forward with trust and faith....

Unexpected surprises

Isn't it strange when you least expect it someone does something amazing to brighten your day? Today is Valentine's Day ... and I thought it would come and go as quietly as many years past.

I am woman and I think almost all of us day dream of candle light and rose petals ... I will confess I do think stores/movies/TV place a little too much emphasis on Feb 14 ... however, it is nice to be thought of ...

My kids woke up to bright red envelopes and new soft stuffed bears! I made sure they had their boxes for class ... their valentines written out ... and treats for friends. Each teacher received a special heart filled surprise, I thought of my worker bees, and a friend or two... never did I think or expect anything more than the sweet hand made cards with crooked red hearts and mis-spelled words from my loving children.

Today was my first day back to work after 4 weeks off :o -- I thought after a long day of reacclimating to my crazy work schedule I'd come home to an empty house and hungry dog. Boy was I wrong ... never would have guessed my house was under attack!

I knew from the moment I pulled in the garage I was in for it ... I knew I should've changed the garage code to keep out the riff raff ;)

The first thought in my head was the sink of dirty dishes, laundry in the hall, and all the clutter from the weekend then had not been taken care of ... (oh my! --never leave a chore for tomorrow!)

Not a room was left untouched ... there were streamers from ceiling to floor, around furniture, tied to speakers and blinds, wrapped from here to there and back again! Shredded paper confetti everywhere, a few sweet Valentine surprises to make me smile and rose petals on my bed ... WOW ... how lucky am I?

Thank you St. Valentine for staying true to your faith, for your words and your sacrifice that is told to have been the origin of a holiday to honor love in the world!

And thank you to ALL the angels in my life who remind me how loved I am! I only hope you know how special and wonderful you are!

Hope

hope: to desire with expectation of obtainment

doesn't that definition seem to simplify hope? to simply long for something with the expectation of obtaining it ...

I guess it is the second part that seems to cause a struggle ... to expect to obtain it. That is where I must place my focus...

I will hope for my family health and happiness always. I will hope for success for my career. And most of all I will hope for love ... real love for always....

Confession

I have a confession. Are you ready for this? Are you sitting down ....?

SSSssshhhhh.... Ok. Here goes (deep breath) -gulp...

I am a Bachelor/Bachelorette junkie. Yes... I watch them all. :(

I enjoy morbid entertainment from watching the cat fights and witnessing the he said/she said moments. I chuckle when they say I love you after 2 or 3 dates ... now I'm not saying they haven't developed some type of feelings for each other. Seriously, who wouldn't become smitten after traveling to exotic places, after kissing in the rain in a real rain forest, after frolicking in crystal clear turquoise waters ... who dates like that? It's a reality show but there is nothing real about it. I find it interesting that they all look as if they've stepped out of a magazine centerfold. Where is the man with the beer belly bulge? Or the 15lb overweight mom of three?

Now I've dated some pretty great men. I've had wonderful dates and incredible weekend get aways, I've been to beautiful beaches and amazing restaurants ... but in real life not every date is an extravaganza. But that is what makes it real .. right? The moments where you see him/her in everyday life ... how do they deal with real adversity? Real life highs and lows?

I, like so many thousands of women in America, would love to be whisked away for a helicopter ride over exotic volcanoes. Who wouldn't want to have a candle lit dinner in the middle of a flourishing winery?

So I confess, for a couple hours each Monday, I wonder how it would be. But alas, I am a realist. I'll wait for the one who will stand by me, through the good and the bad. The man who will love me when I'm just waking up with a head of messy hair and no make up as much as he does when I'm in a dress and heels. The one man who can love all of me - the good, the bad, and the ugly ... the one willing to fight for my love, for our love.

Just watch out for the dragons honey! I hear they are quite feisty fire breathing pests!

Faith

If you have faith
as a grain of mustard seed,
you will say to your mountain
"MOVE"
and it
WILL move
and NOTHING will be impossilbe for you!

~Matthew 17:20

I don't need a man

I don't need a man ... but I want a man ..... I've said that so many times.

I've learned to stand on my own two feet. I have learned to be a plumber, electrictian, fix holes in the wall, mow the lawn, fix the sprinklers .... I rarely reach out for help ...even when I need it. Not as glamorous of a trait as you might think.

I don't need a man ... that statement is a lie. I do.

I finally realize that I do need someone.... I need someone to hold me at night. To tell me how proud they are of me when I accomplish something good ... to hold me and tell me it will be alright when I stumble and fall. I need someone who will sit by my hospital bed to make sure I'm ok. To hold my hand through recovery ... who'll sit and watch me sleep just to be there to take care of me when I wake and need some help.

I need a man to need me ... someone I can encourage. Someone I can be there for ... to listen to his dreams and his fears. I need a man to hold at night, to tell him I am so proud of what he has accomplished and who he is. Someone to tell it will be all right when he stumbles and falls.

So where is he? How do I find him?

I was told by a dear friend to 'not settle' ... but am I waiting for a fairy tale prince who does not exist? Nah ... I don't think so ... I know who you are .... and I will wait....

5 year plan

Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Many times we have heard this question....

Where are you now? Are you where you thought you'd be 5 years ago?

Me? 5 years ago I just discovered I was pregnant, I quit my job of 12 1/2 years, and was on the verge of divorce.... I had no idea how my current life should look, let alone where I seen myself 5 years in the future.....

Today .... I recently quit my job at Continental Airlines (for a second time) ... I have lived on my own with my two children for three years now.... and I have no idea how my current life should look.

How do you create a 5 year plan if you have no idea of the road you are on? There have been so many turns that I've lost my bearings a bit....

I know what I want ... and I know who I want to be .... I am just not sure how to navigate to get from here to there. Rest assure I will find a way .... I will find my way .... but sometimes I need a little down time.