6 & 67

Oh how the time flies - I can't believe another year has passed already.

Today is August 4th ... To most just another day and but for you, for us it is special day.

So much has happened, so much has changed and yet so much remains the same.  How I wish I could share every second with you.

Anna turns six today.  She is full of life and excitement.  She has your eyes, my eyes, our eyes.  She has your laugh and your kind soul.  You'll never guess what she asked for... for her special birthday gift. She said more than anything she wanted a locket... with a picture of her Grandma in it... a picture of you.  Amazing request from a little girl who was so young when you left she does not remember her time with you. She shares your birthday so it must be a special bond that will tie you together always.  I thank God for having her and a reason to celebrate today.  I miss you everyday ... especially on days like today.

Celebrate your day with the angels and know that you are in my thoughts and in my heart ... always.

Happy 67th Birthday Mom. 

Backward

Life is a great adventure.  Most of us work hard to improve our lives.  We work hard, we look for ways to advance a career or gain experience for a better job.  Most of us work to fix up or buy a new and better car.  We work to upgrade the house with new paint or a bigger TV.  Seems like we are always moving forward... on to the next big thing.  

I find it intriguing that relationships follow the same cycle.  We meet someone new.. we work to improve the relationship - to move to the next level... best friend or boyfriend/girlfriend.  We intertwine our lives and soon we are married and our children are best friends.  And if a relationship ends we are off to the next one... platonic or romantic we take the mistakes made before and we vow to be better the next time... and hope the next person will too!

But why does it always have to be done with forward momentum?  What if we went backward?  Why cant we take this new and improved us with the knowledge of how to be a better companion... a better friend and why cant we apply that to a past relationship?  

Once in awhile after charging forward with determination and ambition I think it is a welcomed surprise to find what you may have been looking forward to gaining in life by going backward - looking to the past.

Life is full of surprises ... don't burn a bridge, you don't have to close all the doors you walk through - you never know when life might circle you back for another visit.

a little different

The people we become are a direct result of the experiences we have.  Every experience, good and bad, teaches us a lesson.  We learn to see the world a little different, we learn to see other people a little different, we learn to see ourselves just a little different. 

I look back on some recent choices I made.  I reflect on time spent ... and I have to wonder how I could make some decisions I did.  I try to live life as an honest, good woman.  So how is it I can let myself make a choice (or several) that I know are not right?  How do you turn your back on fundamental values and let yourself get caught up in a tangled web that leads you down a path you are not meant to be on?

I knew before it began I would be the one to get hurt and yet I let it happen anyway.  Was this a punishment for past mistakes.  Did I need to show myself how I may have disappointed others in the past by allowing myself to be disappointed the same way?

Would I change it if I could?  I'd like to say no here.  I'd like to think I value the small lesson I learned about myself more that undoing the harm done... but in this moment I honestly wish I had chosen the easy path at the fork in the road instead of the one more difficult.

I am a little different because of the experiences of the last couple months... it is up to me to make sure the new different me is a little bit better for it all!

Thank you Phoenix

One of my favorite songs says:

i'm slow to trust, but i am quick to love

and that is me, thru and thru.  

I met someone recently who would tell me things... and I didn't want to trust that they were true.  he said he cared, he talked of things we'd do together ... in days, weeks, months to come.  he went out of his way to let me know he was thinking of me... he surprised me with help when i didnt ask.  when i would talk of my fears of the end of the relationship... the end of any relationship he called me out.  

he is the one who made me realize that if i was not willing to jump, if i couldnt love like my heart would not be broken how could i be fully loved in return? I lost past relationships because i failed to hold on with both hands... because i let go... because i would not fully trust... i hated this realization.  i was sabotaging my own happiness.  

his sweet voice echos in my mind... and somehow he won me over.  he was right... scared as i was if i didnt take the chance, if i didnt fully commit myself to the possibility that falling in love would be the best thing ever... i would never have what i wanted most. 

he talked about us building our lives together, talked of things we'd do with our children... we seemed to want the same things.  and when my mind screamed inside my head he was only saying what i wanted to hear to win me over i ignored it.  i let my heart lead.  i ignored every warning, every red flag, i buried all thoughts of doubt and question.  i just when i was ready to let myself fall completely ... just when i was ready to let myself love him with all my heart and soul ... 

he walked away.  there was no warning.  there was no hint.  one moment we were laughing and happy and the next moment he chose to walk away.  i know i am not perfect, i know i have weakness and flaws, but i also know i am a good person.  i am an incredible woman with a kind heart and good soul.  so why does it feel like i did something wrong?  why did i not listen to my head in the beginning and walk away before he was close enough to let me down?

why am i wrong when i listen to my head and ignore my heart and wrong again when i listen to my heart and not my head?

i did nothing wrong. i was honest, i shared my hopes, my dreams, and all my feelings =good and bad.  it is what it is.  i cannot change it, i cannot undo it.  once again i will brush myself off, hold my head high and smile as if my heart is not heavy, as if i have not been let down ... again

i only hope the lesson here i will carry with me... i only hope that i will know when the time is right to take down my walls, to throw doubt and distrust out, and to love fully and forever

thank you Phoenix for showing  me i can believe in the magic of love, that i am worthy of nothing less that complete devotion and true, unwavering love....

Believe

Do you believe in everlasting love?  Do you think two people can go the distance?

Somewhere along the road I found that I did not.  I had lost faith in love.  I stopped believing in fairy tales and happily ever after.  I would wish for love, hope for it, even pray for it.  But how could I find it?  How could real, true love come into my life if I was looking for the end before I ever got to the beginning? 

Is it age?  Is it past experience? Without risk, there is no gain.  right?

I am skeptical... but I am ready to swallow my fear.  I am willing to jump in with both feet, love with all my heart as if it will not get broken, and believe when he says he will love me forever that it will be for the rest of my life.

because of you

Have you ever taken a step back from your life and taken a long hard look?  Are you where you thought you would be?  

I remember myself, many years ago, I was quiet and shy and had such little confidence.  I have spent so many years working on myself... working to be a better woman, a stronger woman, and to see me now, if you knew me then it's amazing how I have grown.  

I have learned to stand tall.  To voice my opinion.  And yet, I confess, there are times I feel like that little girl, alone, trying to figure out wrong from right, wondering who I can trust and lean on for comfort and protection.  

It's because of you I have such a hard time trusting someone completely.  It is because of you I look to please people and avoid conflict at all cost.  It is because of you that at the age of 40 I still tremble with the fear of loneliness and dread facing abandonment like a small child.  

It is said that with forgiveness comes healing.  But I do not know how to forgive you.  Someday I hope I will learn, today is not that day.  I only hope someday I can find someone strong enough to not let me push him away.  Someone who can stand strong for us both when I am weak and strong enough to let me fly when I am strong.  Someone to help me learn to forgive, to let go of the past and look to the future.  Someone who wont go away.

Is today that day?  Can he believe in me?  Can I trust him?  Will he fight for me? Will he love me?  Will he be strong enough to see through the tough facade?  Will he love enough to tell me when I'm unreasonable?  

Will  he stay?

I wish I could love you and make you believe...

I want...

if only life had an undo button... but sadly we can not unsay a word, we can not undo an action.  

We can only hope for redemption. 

I have made mistakes... and I will make more... and while I know I can not undo the moments that were bad I have realized more than ever the power of communication.  I am learning to ask for help.  I am learning to voice my fears.  I am learning to be a better person.

I have learned (and learned the hard way) that life and love are fleeting... here one day... gone the next.  One thing I will never do is settle... I have seen the look of regret on too many faces of those I love... and I do not want that for me.  I want to ache for the one I love even though we've only been apart for a day... I want passion and devotion...  I want rest on his shoulder when I am weary and hold him in my arms when he is weak...  I want to stand beside him with pride to celebrate our triumphs...  I want to love him unconditionally and know he loves me the same. 

I know he is out there...
I know he is waiting.....
I know we'll be together soon!

Reaction

For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. or so they say...

And for every choice we make there is a consequence.  Sometime the consequence is good - a reward and sometimes the consequence is not so good and we are left wondering why we made the choice we did.

If we knew how things would turn out would we change the choice?  I cannot say I would or would not but I do know I am glad I do not know the end before the beginning.  Every choice leads us down a path and we have the chance to learn what we do well and what we don't do so well.  If we are smart we can take the experience from the choice and become a better person.  For some this comes quickly .. and for some it takes longer to reflect... to find their strength and acknowledge their weakness.

I have not always made the 'right' choice.  I have been slow to react.   But I have spent a lot of time reflecting on where I have been - who I have met - and where I need to be.  I confess there are things I should have done different but I can assure you I have learned more about who I am and more importantly I have learned more about who I want to be.

Wanted

I am ready

I am ready for you now!  I wasnt then, but I am now! 

Where are you?  Where did you go? Damn!  Why did I let you go?

I know you could not wait for me forever... and if you knew this day would come I think you'd still be here.  You taught me a lot and my time with you has made me a better woman.

I think of you often... I wonder where you are... how you are... are you happy? 

It is said, timing is everything... I've missed 'our' time... I will always wonder what if and I wish love and happiness for you always!

Thru my eyes

I wish you could see you through my eyes.  You are so beautiful, so amazing. 

I have known you practically my whole life... we came from the same background... we fight the same demons... I know your heart and how it aches to be loved and cherished.  I understand your search for the one person who will hold you during the storm and tell you it's going to be OK.  The one person who always puts your first, stands by your side -no matter what.  I understand your longing for real love. 

I feel your tiredness... I know you wonder how you can possibly get through one more day... but I dont understand your actions... I don't know what to do, or what to say.  And I am heartbroken that I do not know how to save you. 

If only you could see you through my eyes - you'd see that you are not alone.  You'd see how far we've come to change our lives... you'd know what an incredible parent you are.  If only you could see what we all see... then maybe you could fight a little harder instead of giving up. :(

Take me as I am

Slow to trust

But I'm quick to love

I push to hard

And I give to much

I ain't sayin' I'm perfect

But I promise I'm worth it

April Fool

April Fool's ... but who is the real fool?

I knew my prank would not fool those who really know me.  I knew the only to be taken in would be those who know of me but do not know who I am or what I stand for... so why would I do it?  Perhaps because I want it to be true? Am I so in need of attention that I'd take an canned congrats from an acquaintance knowing I am not in a place to accept a sincere one from family/friends?

Have I made the right choices?  Am I on the right path?  Am I where I am suppose to be?

I had the biggest scare yesterday... lost Anna at Liberty Park... she simply walked away... and I missed it.  It was only a few minutes... yet felt like a lifetime.  I circled the play ground 3 or 4 times.  I looked in tunnels and behind rocks, I called her name, I asked strangers if they'd seen her... Every horrible scenario played thru my mind.  And then she was there.. on the swings, sailing high into the air, with her beautiful smile...

It was in this moment I doubted everything in my life.  Who am I to think I can do this, alone?  If I had someone else with me, to help watch both kids, to keep me calm, to tell me all would be ok...

April Fool's -- who is the fool? I believe it is me....