how many days should I smile with a frown?

Shine

"I've been through the pain
and the suffering before
everytime I open up this door
it's always the same
been here before
always the same
another story and another game

I keep waiting for the right one
waiting for the sun
I keep waiting for the right one
and waiting for the sun
to come and
shine
on me

just when I think
I can walk through this door
it closes in my face
and knocks me to the floor
it's always the same
been here before
always the same
another story and another game

I keep waiting for the right one
waiting for the sun
I keep waiting for the right one
and waiting for the sun
to come and
shine
on me"

~written by a wise man

I'm stumblin'

I've asked God and magazines, stacks of book and movie screens,
Anything to bring a little more comfort my way...

But sometimes, there's those times...

I keep telling myself I'm moving on but I'm stumbling.
Believing my heart was strong enough but now I'm wondering.

I miss the sound of your voice ...

who are you?

"our actions, our choices, what you do today
will define who you are"

Benign: [bih-nahyn] -adjective
1. having a kindly disposition; gracious
2. showing expressive of gentleness or kindness
3. favorable; propitious

the official dictionary definition. but what does the word truly mean. is it a gracious pass? a favorable outcome? once the word is spoken is it business as usual? life goes on? or is there a deeper meaning? an unspoken expectation? those who do not hear the word spoken out loud face great challenges, unforeseen obstacles. so those that do, should they be held accountable to revel in the miracle of life?

Perhaps for them benign means
1. do not take for granted
2. do not settle
3. make every choice count

i thought when mom left me i knew the value of speaking out, sharing your thoughts, your feelings. i thought i had learned the lesson of the fragility of life. i was wrong. losing someone close to you breaks your heart in ways words can not describe. but when you hear the word cancer as it may pertain to your own health, that is an entirely different ballgame. looking into the eyes of your children and wondering if you can be, will be a 'survivor' takes courage you never knew you had.

many people hear the word often, hundreds of thousands of tests are done almost daily to determine who will be the next warrior in the fight against cancer. i am among the lucky. i have been given a pass. a kindly disposition, a small reminder that life is fleeting. a chance to reconnect to what is most important and to stay true to what is precious.

so i commit to
1. love with all my heart
2. to never settle or take the easy way for fear of failure
3. to cherish each person and every gift in my life

life is a journey, a wonderful adventure... it's time for me to get back to living each and every minute to the fullest.

"it is the forks in the road that determine who you become.

Choose wisely...
the easiest, safest choice is not necessarily the best choice"

Cancer Sucks!

they say cancer touches each and everyone of us in some way. we all have a family member, a friend, maybe even a friend of a friend.... but we can all say we know (or have known) someone with cancer.

Cancer Sucks!

i managed to avoid this ugly disease for 35 years of my life. i knew of it, but it always stayed away from my immediate circle of life... it happened to other people... other families... faceless others fought the battle out of my line of sight... until 4 years ago.

Cancer Sucks!

when mom first said the doctor was concerned the spot on the x-ray was cancer i was in denial. cancer was just a word, a disease other people faced.... in less than 2 months i got a crash course on just how ugly cancer could be. mom was gone.

Cancer really sucks!

since losing my mom to cancer, i have an aunt who is battling this ravishing disease, i lost an uncle to cancer, my BFF's father had cancer removed from his lung, i lost a co-worker to stomach cancer, another co-work is fighting for her life today, another was just told her mother is in remission... and the list goes on and on...

Did I mention cancer sucks?

they (who is they exactly?) say optimism...a positive attitude... the sheer utter desire to live is the key to the fight... tomorrow i will have a small tumor removed from my breast. there is a greater % that it is benign than it will be malignant ... i have to believe in the odds... i have to believe that i will escape the scary grip of such an ugly disease. Cancer has taken enough from my life... i know this is just a scare to keep me appreciative of all the gifts in my life, to remember how precious each moment is, how important every person in my life .... never forget to live and love to the fullest each and every day!

Ok?

I missed you today. I miss you everyday.

So much is going on right now and I'd give anything to have you to talk to. I dream of reaching out and feeling your hand take mine. I can almost feel your arms around me as you whisper in my ear "everything will be ok"

I know it will be. I believe in the power of positive thinking. But there are times it just sounds better hearing someone else say the words.

Although I can not pick up the phone to hear your reassuring words I know you are there, I know you will always care, and I know "everything will be ok"

Let it Rain

Mmmmm.... I love the smell of rain. There is something so refreshing, clean, new about the smell. It is the smell of promise ... of good things to come.

The low rumble from a far off distance like the sound of falling rubble and lighting streaks across the sky ... like paths on a map. Pitter patter sounds of rain drops as they dance upon landing on the roof... and my thoughts drift into the clouds ... dreams full of possibilities.

After a rain storm the world is clean and new. Grass is greener, skies are clearer... and nothing seems impossible.

Time to dream? to hope? to want?

I love the rain. I love the smell, the sound, and the feel of drops on my skin.

Let it rain!

In My Daughter's Eyes

damn doors

"When one door closes another one opens...."

a common saying

sometimes a new door opens without the old one closing. it is easy to walk thru the door when you are forced to as the closing door hits you on the ass and shoves you thru ... but what do you do when you have the choice? as you stand in the door way and try to see beyond the threshold how do you know whether you should stay or go?

one monumental choice can have such a rippling effect as you are propelled into a new life, new people, different places. how can you be sure you are on the right path? how do you know the new door has more to offer than the old? and once you make the leap ... can you ever go back? should you want to go back?

the next question is what do you do when an old door reopens? what if you've been out of the old door way for so long you forgot all it holds on the other side? as you gaze at the light coming from within ... you strain to see familiar sights... you smell familiar smells... you feel familiar feelings ... but can you remember all the reasons you let the door close? and if you do would the same things drive you away or have you changed/grown enough that all the crazy things would be insignificant now? and what new unforeseen obstacles await?

why do we, as adults, have to analyze every possible outcome of a decision? why do we have to play each scenario in our minds to try to outwit destiny? why can a young adult follow their heart? why is it we can only take a leap of faith when we are young?

you'd think experience would leave us to value the simple pleasures of a warm touch, a passionate kiss, a knowing glance instead of fearing a cold shoulder, a broken heart, or a look of disappointment.

oh how i wish my crystal ball wasn't broken...

Here I am

I am BACK! I was without computer and have really missed you my friend. You have no idea how (i tried to spell therapeutic and failed so... ) much it helps me to talk/type with you. So much has happened since I last typed ... and i need to work to catch you up chronologically ...

but tonight.... I had to take a minute to say I am BACK!

and to share a quick thought or two.

I spent the evening with a friend of a friend. It made me realize how things happen just as they should. To say I've had an eventful week is an understatement. So many things have taken aim at me on an emotional level ... and tonight I was able to share some thoughts and some personal opinions with a friend of a friend. And in the end ... I am a little better for it.

It's funny how things work out as they should be.

:)