This one is gonna hurt

Now I know how the moth feels - drawn to the flame.  Knowing it is dangerous - knowing it could hurt like hell and yet unable to move away.  Looking for the briefest moment of warmth and contentment even if it means risking it all.

Every thought in my head screams to back away - every piece of logic says this cant work out.  Experience has shown that probability of this ending in my favor are next to none and yet - like that damn moth I find myself wanting to get closer ... I'd walk into your fire willingly for even the briefest moment of your warmth and love.

My heart is a war with my head.  We are in such different places in our lives.  I've been where you are- I know you need time.  I need to keep my head clear and my heart out of this - and then you tell me you miss me.  And in that moment the battle is lost and the heart takes over.  What if I am wrong? What if this is the one? What if you are ready for someone like me?  What if you don't need time? What if you need me? What if I don't wait to see how it plays out and I miss out on the greatest love of all?

UUgggg! It is so hard to have blind faith.  It is so hard to dance this close to the flame knowing at any moment I could be scorched.

I have past the point of no return with you.  So for now I will wait - on the edge of the light and darkness... willing to risk it all at anytime.....

Oh - this one is gonna hurt - A LOT.

if only

if only for once things could turn out the way i imagine them to.

the past week i have finally began to take much needed action.  the road ahead promises to be full of challenge - full of obsticles - full of adversity ... but i think i am finally ready.

it's time to face what must be ... if only it could go the way i've played it out in my mind.

if only ....

if only i could have you.  if only you were by my side - helping me stand tall ... helping to keep me grounded.

if only....

my hopes are simple - my dreams achievable

i only want to love - to build my world around a tender soul - to make him smile - make him laugh - hold him when he is down - stand beside him when he is strong.... if only ... if only he was here to love me - to want me - to hold me and never let go...

if only for once things could turn out the way i imagine them to.

All good -- it's all good

Who am I? - I was just reading thru past posts.

Not only have a become such a sporadic blogger.... I have foregone my happy - fun posts for my deep dark thoughts and feelings.  Let me assure you all is good... not good - great actually!!!

2012 ended strong.

The kids are amazing.... Ian had his hip hop debut.  Anna rocked her feather boa.

I am surrounded by amazing people.  I have lost some friends and I have gained some friends.  Everyday brings to me new ideas, new adventures and while there are times I find myself asking questions of where my life is and where it may be going.... I am content. 

Life is amazing and I am so very lucky to have my two children, my family, my sister-friends ... Each day is a gift!

It's good... it's all good.