Worst Enemy

I am my own worst enemy. Why do I sabotage my own happiness? Why am I so afraid to trust my heart? Why do I run? It's not easier you know, to run. It make things harder ... messier.

When I was young I would jump without hesitation, without thought, without fear. What the HELL happened? Why is it so hard for me? What am I so afraid of? A broken heart? Is that the worse thing that can happen? Is that so bad? After all, it will mend it time. Isn't love worth the risk?

God in heaven why am I so protective of my heart, my thoughts, my feelings? I can only hope I'll learn before it's too late.

My Love, My Enemy

Wow! this man is amazing! i think he may be my new favorite singer!

What is love?

What is love?

Merriam-Webster defines LOVE as:
I. (a):strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties [such as the love for a child] (b) attraction based on sexual desire.
II. warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion.

Wow ... I always knew I was confused but after reading the 'official' definition I am more lost than ever. I always thought love was bigger than all of that. Perhaps that is my problem with love. Perhaps I give it too much weight, too much power. Perhaps I expect more from it, of it, than it truly is.

I understand the love for a child. It is indescribable. I'd move Heaven and Earth for my children. I'd give my own life for them.

But what of the love between two who have chosen each other as a partner? Why is it so hard to find and even harder to hold. I believe the love between two people should shake the earth and rock the heavens. I think that love should be unconditional. If you love someone, really and truly love them would you not do anything for them? Would you not move Heaven and Earth just to see them smile? Would you not make sacrifices for them?

Today, it seems we settle for instant gratification. We revel in the bliss of physical love, and may even scrape the surface of real love; but when life, real life steps in we cave. We walk away in search of the next easy, cheap fix.

I want more than that. I am not anyone's maybe or someone's just for right now. I refuse to settle for comfortable 'love'. I've done that for far to many years of my life already.

I hope the love I believe in is real. I hope there is the kind of love that conquers all and survives the most difficult times. I have to hope ... after all what else is there?

Father's Day thoughts

I thought of my dad today. My biological dad. It is Father's Day after all...

Here I sit with all the time in the world to 'think'. So I thought of my dad today. I wonder if he ever thinks of me. Does he wonder how I am? Does he think about my children? Does he ever regret walking away from me?

I remember loving my dad when I was a child. I remember our great adventures. I remember playing in the Great Salt Lake with him, and walking along the banks of Utah lake with him. I remember going to the hot springs, I remember sitting in Grandma's yard with him. and I miss him.

I have not seen or spoken to him in over 25 years ... but I find it amazing the impact he still has on my life.

Of all my demon spirts....

why?

why is it only black or white?

why does it have to be one way or the other?

are there not many roads to take? are there not an infintie number of possible outcomes to any and every choice we make?

why do relationships have to be so complicated? why is it two adults have such a hard time expressing themselves?

why does it have to be love or hate?

why does a movie always have a happy ending, but in life....?

it has been said that people come in to our lives to teach us, to help us, to give us strength. some stay only a short time and other awhile making lasting impressions on our hearts and in our life. But even those who are here a short time can leave a lasting impression. it does not take long to show someone love or to open their heart to possibilities.

i wish i could understand why they cant stay longer. why cant we keep all those who are important to us in our lives for always? why do we say goodbye? why does it always have to hurt?

i wish i had the answers. i wish i knew the right things to say, the right things to do ....

i wish a lot of things ... if only wishes could come true

Fly Away

"Fly away little bird

Any place in this open mouthed world

Begs to be fed like a bed that

beckons you, but you won't rest

Everyone's got a need to go

Most of us stick with our row to hoe

But not you, you're the black crow

With a straight line, and no time

For the birds of prey who wreck your nest

Twice your size steal your best

They set you on this course of your collision

I am a stop along your way

I am the words you'll never say

I crossed the great beyond of fear

I opened my eyes and saw us there, what a view

You went there too

Fly away little bird

Find the song in you that no one's heard

Strenghthen your wings as you

sing your solo flight

Through this short life

Everyone's got a deep regret

We try to ground ourselves to forget

But your race to the end is neck and neck

You love them, you love them not

The birds of prey who wreck your nest,

Twice your size steal your best

They set you on this course of your collision

I am a stop along your way

I am the words you'll never say

I crossed the great beyond of fear

Opened my eyes and saw us there, what a view

And you went there too

But all along your chosen path are

Window panes and sheets of glass

That you won't see

You fly too fast

One day it will be over

Fly away little bird

The saddest song I ever heard

Was the one that I wrote you in my heart

that never made it to the world"

~INDIGO GIRLS

I'll be Okay

On a day like today I know I'll be OK.

I look at the rain coming down and the dark, gray clouds that fill the sky and I see beauty. The shades of gray moving across the sky seems peaceful. The rain drops seem joyful as they cleanse the world.

You'd think the dreary weather would bring me down. You'd think my tears would want to fall with the rain ... but instead I feel serenity. It's a strange peace that fills my heart and in this moment I know I'll be Okay.

I made a mess, who doesn't?

CrossRoads

How many times have we heard the expression ... I am at a crossroads? That seems a little silly and misleading to me.

It's not like we are traveling a long, simple road that is barley big enough to be called two lanes, that goes for miles and miles before an intersecting road (crossroads) comes along. Oh how I wish it was that simple. But if we are going to think of and compare life to traveling a road then I think we need to think of it as a super-mega highway system.

There are so many lanes we can be in, the fast lane, the slow lane, the wrong lane.

And let's not forget about the roadblocks, the obstacles that can slow travel down to a snail crawling pace, even stop the movement of traffic for awhile until things are 'cleaned' up.

There are ups and downs in the highway that affect speed, there are turns which obscure our vision and make it difficult to know what lies ahead.

There are intersecting highways and exits which can completely alter our destination.

Sometimes the road is smooth and traffic is light and other times there are potholes and traffic jams.

When I think of coming to a crossroads I envision a quiet country road, with tall grass growing on both sides, a light breeze whispering to the trees ... such a easy road to travel there is not even a stop sign ....

When I think of my travels in life it is the crazy, hustle and bustle of a major highway. There are so many turns I've taken and so many on the horizon I'm still not sure what lies ahead in wait for me ... I can only have faith that I'm on the right road, and that I'm traveling at the right speed and my destination will be a great, wonderful, and long overdue pleasant surprise.

Now excuse me as I speed up a little .... "Honk, Honk!

Dominoes

Have you ever wished for a different ending? Have you ever wished you'd made a different decision?

When we wish for things to be different what is it we are really wanting? Would we truly change the moment, the place, the outcome? Or do we only make the wish to help ourselves mentally and/or emotionally?

One simple change ... one different choice ... and like falling dominoes life rains down. There are times the falling pieces create a magical melody as they come down and there are other times the crashing noise is deafening.

I believe the key is to know when to let the pieces fall and when line them back up. If we can look our ourselves, who we are inside, where we come from, and what we stand for and if we can take from every experience and weave it into the self we see ourselves becoming then we can conquer life.

I welcome change, I welcome adversity. I enjoy life ... I like who I am and what I stand for ... and I know as long as I stay true to that.... and believe in myself then everything else will happen exactly when and how it is suppose to.

Too often we under estimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the poential to turn a life around.

~Leo Busaglia