a little different

The people we become are a direct result of the experiences we have.  Every experience, good and bad, teaches us a lesson.  We learn to see the world a little different, we learn to see other people a little different, we learn to see ourselves just a little different. 

I look back on some recent choices I made.  I reflect on time spent ... and I have to wonder how I could make some decisions I did.  I try to live life as an honest, good woman.  So how is it I can let myself make a choice (or several) that I know are not right?  How do you turn your back on fundamental values and let yourself get caught up in a tangled web that leads you down a path you are not meant to be on?

I knew before it began I would be the one to get hurt and yet I let it happen anyway.  Was this a punishment for past mistakes.  Did I need to show myself how I may have disappointed others in the past by allowing myself to be disappointed the same way?

Would I change it if I could?  I'd like to say no here.  I'd like to think I value the small lesson I learned about myself more that undoing the harm done... but in this moment I honestly wish I had chosen the easy path at the fork in the road instead of the one more difficult.

I am a little different because of the experiences of the last couple months... it is up to me to make sure the new different me is a little bit better for it all!

Thank you Phoenix

One of my favorite songs says:

i'm slow to trust, but i am quick to love

and that is me, thru and thru.  

I met someone recently who would tell me things... and I didn't want to trust that they were true.  he said he cared, he talked of things we'd do together ... in days, weeks, months to come.  he went out of his way to let me know he was thinking of me... he surprised me with help when i didnt ask.  when i would talk of my fears of the end of the relationship... the end of any relationship he called me out.  

he is the one who made me realize that if i was not willing to jump, if i couldnt love like my heart would not be broken how could i be fully loved in return? I lost past relationships because i failed to hold on with both hands... because i let go... because i would not fully trust... i hated this realization.  i was sabotaging my own happiness.  

his sweet voice echos in my mind... and somehow he won me over.  he was right... scared as i was if i didnt take the chance, if i didnt fully commit myself to the possibility that falling in love would be the best thing ever... i would never have what i wanted most. 

he talked about us building our lives together, talked of things we'd do with our children... we seemed to want the same things.  and when my mind screamed inside my head he was only saying what i wanted to hear to win me over i ignored it.  i let my heart lead.  i ignored every warning, every red flag, i buried all thoughts of doubt and question.  i just when i was ready to let myself fall completely ... just when i was ready to let myself love him with all my heart and soul ... 

he walked away.  there was no warning.  there was no hint.  one moment we were laughing and happy and the next moment he chose to walk away.  i know i am not perfect, i know i have weakness and flaws, but i also know i am a good person.  i am an incredible woman with a kind heart and good soul.  so why does it feel like i did something wrong?  why did i not listen to my head in the beginning and walk away before he was close enough to let me down?

why am i wrong when i listen to my head and ignore my heart and wrong again when i listen to my heart and not my head?

i did nothing wrong. i was honest, i shared my hopes, my dreams, and all my feelings =good and bad.  it is what it is.  i cannot change it, i cannot undo it.  once again i will brush myself off, hold my head high and smile as if my heart is not heavy, as if i have not been let down ... again

i only hope the lesson here i will carry with me... i only hope that i will know when the time is right to take down my walls, to throw doubt and distrust out, and to love fully and forever

thank you Phoenix for showing  me i can believe in the magic of love, that i am worthy of nothing less that complete devotion and true, unwavering love....

Believe

Do you believe in everlasting love?  Do you think two people can go the distance?

Somewhere along the road I found that I did not.  I had lost faith in love.  I stopped believing in fairy tales and happily ever after.  I would wish for love, hope for it, even pray for it.  But how could I find it?  How could real, true love come into my life if I was looking for the end before I ever got to the beginning? 

Is it age?  Is it past experience? Without risk, there is no gain.  right?

I am skeptical... but I am ready to swallow my fear.  I am willing to jump in with both feet, love with all my heart as if it will not get broken, and believe when he says he will love me forever that it will be for the rest of my life.

because of you

Have you ever taken a step back from your life and taken a long hard look?  Are you where you thought you would be?  

I remember myself, many years ago, I was quiet and shy and had such little confidence.  I have spent so many years working on myself... working to be a better woman, a stronger woman, and to see me now, if you knew me then it's amazing how I have grown.  

I have learned to stand tall.  To voice my opinion.  And yet, I confess, there are times I feel like that little girl, alone, trying to figure out wrong from right, wondering who I can trust and lean on for comfort and protection.  

It's because of you I have such a hard time trusting someone completely.  It is because of you I look to please people and avoid conflict at all cost.  It is because of you that at the age of 40 I still tremble with the fear of loneliness and dread facing abandonment like a small child.  

It is said that with forgiveness comes healing.  But I do not know how to forgive you.  Someday I hope I will learn, today is not that day.  I only hope someday I can find someone strong enough to not let me push him away.  Someone who can stand strong for us both when I am weak and strong enough to let me fly when I am strong.  Someone to help me learn to forgive, to let go of the past and look to the future.  Someone who wont go away.

Is today that day?  Can he believe in me?  Can I trust him?  Will he fight for me? Will he love me?  Will he be strong enough to see through the tough facade?  Will he love enough to tell me when I'm unreasonable?  

Will  he stay?