because of you

Have you ever taken a step back from your life and taken a long hard look?  Are you where you thought you would be?  

I remember myself, many years ago, I was quiet and shy and had such little confidence.  I have spent so many years working on myself... working to be a better woman, a stronger woman, and to see me now, if you knew me then it's amazing how I have grown.  

I have learned to stand tall.  To voice my opinion.  And yet, I confess, there are times I feel like that little girl, alone, trying to figure out wrong from right, wondering who I can trust and lean on for comfort and protection.  

It's because of you I have such a hard time trusting someone completely.  It is because of you I look to please people and avoid conflict at all cost.  It is because of you that at the age of 40 I still tremble with the fear of loneliness and dread facing abandonment like a small child.  

It is said that with forgiveness comes healing.  But I do not know how to forgive you.  Someday I hope I will learn, today is not that day.  I only hope someday I can find someone strong enough to not let me push him away.  Someone who can stand strong for us both when I am weak and strong enough to let me fly when I am strong.  Someone to help me learn to forgive, to let go of the past and look to the future.  Someone who wont go away.

Is today that day?  Can he believe in me?  Can I trust him?  Will he fight for me? Will he love me?  Will he be strong enough to see through the tough facade?  Will he love enough to tell me when I'm unreasonable?  

Will  he stay?