Here's hoping

HOPE : to cherish a desire with anticipation

DESIRE : to long or hope for

If I wait patiently?  If I stay optimistic? If I believe it can be? 

This is me... hoping

Mixed Signal

Ugggg!  I don't understand why it it so hard for people to just say what they want/feel/think!  Stop being coy and clever.  Just say it it plain English words.  The more simply stated the better!

We all  know actions speak louder than words... and even those seem to send a mixed signal.

I must confess I am starting to see that a lot of this is me.  I seem to choose the more difficult road - ALWAYS!  Now I know what you are thinking ... as we all have read from Robert Frost it is admirable to take the road less traveled.  But I don't think he meant we should always look for the impossible one full of road blocks and thistle that seem to rip and sting to the very soul!

I knew it would be a long shot.  The odds were definitely not in my favor and yet I went - I practically ran toward it anyway.  I then I sit and wonder why I seem to be getting further away and not closer.  I know I should cut my losses and find another path.  I just don't know how to let go of the small thread of hope that it could be something really great!

One Day, One memory

The sun shines through my window. I lay in my bed, knowing I need to get moving or I’ll be late for school, but choosing to linger just a little while longer. Beams of light bounce off a million pieces of tiny dust particles and I wonder if each one could be a microscopic world. What if they are full of millions of tiny life forms? Will I disrupt their world if I move? How could I possibly get out of bed and be responsible for such carnage?


“Jodi?”

My mother calls to me. I’d better get moving before I am in trouble. The third grade waits for no child.

She opens my door. “Are you awake?”

“Yes, I won’t be late, Mom. I am getting up now”, I reply, hoping I am not in trouble for my slow start.

But there is something different about today. She hesitates at my door and I can’t help but notice the question in her eyes. It’s not a look of anger but more that of regret. Although I confess, at the wise old of age of 9, I don’t identify regret, I only know something must be bothering my mom.

“Do you want to stay home today?”, she asks.

“No Mom, I feel fine. I am not sick, just a little sleepy. I will be ok and will be leaving soon for school.”

She replies, “I know you are not sick, but what I want to know is would you like to stay home from school and spend the day with me?”

Is that really a question? Of course I do!

“YES! Mom, yes!”

Let me take a moment to give you some important information. My mom was a single mother. She worked most her life waiting tables to make a living. Just to be clear here, she was a waitress at a truck stop. It is important to note that a waitress in Utah made (and I believe many years later still makes) $2.18 per hour plus tips. While I think most truck drivers are hardworking, friendly individuals let’s be real here for a moment, they also make minimal money and most are paid per mile driven so reality was mom was not getting rich fast. She worked hard. She worked extra hours and worked hard to make sure she could keep a roof over our heads and food on the table so her time was precious. Her time was limited. And she was giving me a whole day? I am IN!

She made me pancakes that day. Strange as it may sound I can still remember the taste of the butter mixed with syrup on a pancake cooked almost too long. I remember so much about that day. It was a Wednesday. I don’t know why or how I remember that so many years later perhaps only because it struck me odd that we were playing hooky from life in the middle of the week. After breakfast we drove to American Fork to see Jeff. Mom seemed to need us close that day. She held on to Jeff longer than she normally did. She had more patience than I was use to seeing. When we got home she held on to me tight. But as a rambunctious, tired 9 year old I could only think of wiggling away to go to bed.

Why did I never ask her about that day? Why then? Why not again?

As a single mom looking back I understand, more now that I could ever possibly comprehend then, the strength she drew from me. I know now the power your children give you to persevere when you want to give up. One smile, one hug, can show you strength from within you NEVER knew you had.

That day will always stand out to me. It will always be a ‘special’ day with Mom. While I know now she did it for a selfish reason to seek validation as a mother caring for her children I choose to remember it as a day mom wanted to ‘break’ the rules and miss work and school for a chance to make a lasting memory.  I will never know the event that triggered it, but I now know there was something, as I have had my fair share of days needing my children. I did not know it at the time, that I was fulfilling a ‘need’ for her. But I can see it now. I hope I was able to help her that day, in any small way, to answer a question, to give clarity or drive. I sometimes feel like I let her down in her later years and I hope she knows how much I love her. I hope she knows that, although it’s late, I see the sacrifice she made, I know the struggles she faces, and I see the mountains she conquered … all for me.

I love and miss you Mom!

always on my mind

The moon looks amazing tonight.... close to this.. but better. 
 
I cant help but think of you.  I think of you often ... in fact, you are always on my mind...

I wonder... do you see it too?  Do you make the same wishes I  do? Do you think of me?

I wonder if you knew my hopes and dreams... would you run?  Run toward me? or away from me?

And then I wonder why do I want you they way I do?  I have created in my mind the man I think you are... but how do I trust that?  Are you him? Or have I searched so long for someone to be in my life that I'm willing to only see what I want?

Oh how I wish I could find the courage to ask you...I have so many questions.... so many things I wish I could to tell you. But I simply wait... wait for you to call... wait for you to visit... knowing one day soon I will have to act on my thoughts... stop waiting for the magic of the moon and only I can bring my wishes to life.

Perspective

per-spec-tive: the interrelation in which a subject or its parts are mentally viewed

There are times in life when we see something and it is so bright we are blinded by its beauty.  There are things we think we want and when it is so close to touch we fail to see past the sparkle.  We only see the parts we want to.

I have finally seen past the flash and sparkle ... I can see more clearly now ... I finally have a more real perspective. The emotional war between logic and feeling rages on and I must find a way to navigate the mine field but perhaps my new found understanding will help.

To Want or Not to Want

To Want or Not to Want... that is THE question!

I have always had a knack for figuring people out.  I can usually tell when they like me, when they don't - I can read their intentions and know if they are looking for something real or something right now... I usually know right where I stand.  But with you it different.  I have no clue.  And that frustrates the HELL out of me!

You are a risky temptation.  Do you have any idea the power you have?  Do you know what you are doing - or is all unintentional? 

I can not understand how in one moment all the pieces fit - without saying a word I can feel your attraction for me - I know you want to be with me  - I know you want me.... and in the next moment you seem so far out of reach - so distant - so far.


I want you!  I want more than I have wanted anything is such a long time.  I want you - but is it for the right reasons? This is the question I should be pondering - this is the question I am afraid to answer.

How do you stop wanting something?

Caught in the Storm

"I'm caught in the storm
I'm caught in the rain
I'm caught in the rush
that hides this pain"

If only you could see how much I need you... I wont admit it and I wont ask for you -- I only wish you could see how much I need your love and how much I could love you in return.

This one is gonna hurt

Now I know how the moth feels - drawn to the flame.  Knowing it is dangerous - knowing it could hurt like hell and yet unable to move away.  Looking for the briefest moment of warmth and contentment even if it means risking it all.

Every thought in my head screams to back away - every piece of logic says this cant work out.  Experience has shown that probability of this ending in my favor are next to none and yet - like that damn moth I find myself wanting to get closer ... I'd walk into your fire willingly for even the briefest moment of your warmth and love.

My heart is a war with my head.  We are in such different places in our lives.  I've been where you are- I know you need time.  I need to keep my head clear and my heart out of this - and then you tell me you miss me.  And in that moment the battle is lost and the heart takes over.  What if I am wrong? What if this is the one? What if you are ready for someone like me?  What if you don't need time? What if you need me? What if I don't wait to see how it plays out and I miss out on the greatest love of all?

UUgggg! It is so hard to have blind faith.  It is so hard to dance this close to the flame knowing at any moment I could be scorched.

I have past the point of no return with you.  So for now I will wait - on the edge of the light and darkness... willing to risk it all at anytime.....

Oh - this one is gonna hurt - A LOT.

if only

if only for once things could turn out the way i imagine them to.

the past week i have finally began to take much needed action.  the road ahead promises to be full of challenge - full of obsticles - full of adversity ... but i think i am finally ready.

it's time to face what must be ... if only it could go the way i've played it out in my mind.

if only ....

if only i could have you.  if only you were by my side - helping me stand tall ... helping to keep me grounded.

if only....

my hopes are simple - my dreams achievable

i only want to love - to build my world around a tender soul - to make him smile - make him laugh - hold him when he is down - stand beside him when he is strong.... if only ... if only he was here to love me - to want me - to hold me and never let go...

if only for once things could turn out the way i imagine them to.

All good -- it's all good

Who am I? - I was just reading thru past posts.

Not only have a become such a sporadic blogger.... I have foregone my happy - fun posts for my deep dark thoughts and feelings.  Let me assure you all is good... not good - great actually!!!

2012 ended strong.

The kids are amazing.... Ian had his hip hop debut.  Anna rocked her feather boa.

I am surrounded by amazing people.  I have lost some friends and I have gained some friends.  Everyday brings to me new ideas, new adventures and while there are times I find myself asking questions of where my life is and where it may be going.... I am content. 

Life is amazing and I am so very lucky to have my two children, my family, my sister-friends ... Each day is a gift!

It's good... it's all good.

How do you forgive?

6 days into the New Year and I already find myself struggling to let go of old grudges.

My dear brother calls me everyday - 4-5 times a day.  That is not an exaggeration... in fact it may be higher.  Since Christmas he calls me everyday to come pick up a Christmas gift he has for me.  I rarely answer when he calls.  And even after telling him how sick I'd been he still calls several times a day... asking when I will come.... you may be thinking what a bad sister I am... but I ask you -- how do I forgive him?

He is my big brother... he was suppose to watch out for me... he was suppose to protect me and be there for me.  But he is not. No one is.  He was not there for me growing up ... and when Mom was sick he was not there.  I was alone... I had to make the tough choices... I had to make the hard decisions... where was he then?

How do I forgive him for failing me?  He left me ... alone.  I have not seen him since Mom died.  He did not come to the funeral... he does not help me.. he rarely calls me.  I am so sad and disappointed that I am left by myself... I just dont know if I can forgive him.  For once in my life it is NOT ok and I can NOT let it go.  For once in my life it IS about me!!!

2012 --> 2013

Good Morning 2013!

I look to 2013 with hope and optimism - this will be my year -- I just know it!

To welcome the new I must let go of the old.  2012 brought me many lessons... a few trials, some tears and a lot of smiles.

From the beaches of Cabo to hiking at the top of Heavenly - I had some great adventures.  I am continually in awe at my friends and their unwavering love and support.  My children continue to be my Northern Star.  When I feel lost or alone they remind me of who I am and what is important.  

Many people beginning the new year with resolutions and promises of change.  As for me I choose to start 2013 with the promise of remaining the same.  I promise to be the same woman who values time spent with family and friends.  The same woman who knows life is a gift and time is short - I promise to live right by my kids and to stay true to my heart.  I will spend more time for me and less time worrying about the small things. 

Happy 2013 - may it bring love and happiness everyday of the year!