One of my favorite songs says:
i'm slow to trust, but i am quick to love
and that is me, thru and thru.
I met someone recently who would tell me things... and I didn't want to trust that they were true. he said he cared, he talked of things we'd do together ... in days, weeks, months to come. he went out of his way to let me know he was thinking of me... he surprised me with help when i didnt ask. when i would talk of my fears of the end of the relationship... the end of any relationship he called me out.
he is the one who made me realize that if i was not willing to jump, if i couldnt love like my heart would not be broken how could i be fully loved in return? I lost past relationships because i failed to hold on with both hands... because i let go... because i would not fully trust... i hated this realization. i was sabotaging my own happiness.
his sweet voice echos in my mind... and somehow he won me over. he was right... scared as i was if i didnt take the chance, if i didnt fully commit myself to the possibility that falling in love would be the best thing ever... i would never have what i wanted most.
he talked about us building our lives together, talked of things we'd do with our children... we seemed to want the same things. and when my mind screamed inside my head he was only saying what i wanted to hear to win me over i ignored it. i let my heart lead. i ignored every warning, every red flag, i buried all thoughts of doubt and question. i just when i was ready to let myself fall completely ... just when i was ready to let myself love him with all my heart and soul ...
he walked away. there was no warning. there was no hint. one moment we were laughing and happy and the next moment he chose to walk away. i know i am not perfect, i know i have weakness and flaws, but i also know i am a good person. i am an incredible woman with a kind heart and good soul. so why does it feel like i did something wrong? why did i not listen to my head in the beginning and walk away before he was close enough to let me down?
why am i wrong when i listen to my head and ignore my heart and wrong again when i listen to my heart and not my head?
i did nothing wrong. i was honest, i shared my hopes, my dreams, and all my feelings =good and bad. it is what it is. i cannot change it, i cannot undo it. once again i will brush myself off, hold my head high and smile as if my heart is not heavy, as if i have not been let down ... again
i only hope the lesson here i will carry with me... i only hope that i will know when the time is right to take down my walls, to throw doubt and distrust out, and to love fully and forever
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