here I go again....

Life is such a roller coaster. It amazes me how events come full circle.

How and when did I go from a blissfully unaware child, (whose heaviest thought was who was my best friend today and did I have my hoppy taw for hopscotch) to a woman having to face the reality of life and having the frailty of our existence constantly thrown in my face?

I miss the days of Barbie dolls and sleepovers. I long for a time of normalcy and happiness. I wonder when I can exhale???

My Aunt has cancer!?!? Stage 4 Cancer! There is that horrific ‘C’ word again! I went to see her today … thinking I was ok with it. It was different. It is a different cancer and she is not my mother. I went thinking I could swoop in and calm her fears. I was armed with my handy dandy notebook of my saga with mom. I was ready to go over the check lists, the questions to ask, the things to do and not do. To share what I was forced to become knowledgeable at. I was hoping I could make her journey a little easier.

One look in her eyes … one hug and I lost myself. As she held back the sobs and I choked on my tears time seemed to stop. I felt myself spiral into the chaos of the cancer illness. The dark abyss of the unknown hung on us both.

I asked questions … how? And when? What was the prognosis? The plan? And she told all she knew. Her path is still a mystery … will there be chemo? will she simply count the days as my mother did?

I told her I was here … for anything. I will take her to the doctor, I will sit with her while she sleeps … this may sound odd but I hope she calls. I hope she will ask for help when it is needed. I took care of my mother on my own … I know how much she and her family will need a shoulder to lean on … what they don’t know is I may need them to help me heal. I hope she calls.

“Some days there won’t be a song in your heart. Sing anyway.”